tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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