It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
