This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think i got beer on your cat.
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