I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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