I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
