I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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