these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
