I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
