I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Randomize
