Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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