I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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