I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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