"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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