I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
