i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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