you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
