Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
