Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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