You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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