And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
you didnt know i had herpes?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
where are you?
Hypothermia
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
