You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
