yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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