at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
