I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
