I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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