beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
