I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
