really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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