Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
