i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
