i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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