When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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