I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
