I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
