i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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