I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
