Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
