The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
