My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
