I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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