he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
