i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
