Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
