Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
