That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
