my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
