You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
