Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
