nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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