Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
