i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
