if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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