it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
