Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i out mim tonsoeep
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