i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
