when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
