did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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