Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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