did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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