Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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