fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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