I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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