dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
