Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
